Here we have a damp impatient wait.

I’ve been staring out at the rain….all day. I usually like the rain. I usually enjoy the rain. But, today I am on 4 wheels…..aaaarrrrggghhh. I realize that by the time one gets to be my age I should be very patient. But the fact is that I am on 4 wheels because some of the gear I have ordered, for my return to 2 wheels, hasn’t come in yet. I hate WAITING FOR STUFF that I have purchased. When I want things, like a little brat, I want THEM NOW. In this day and time we should be able to get things in a reasonable period of time. But, of course, I had to order it just before the holidays. Then, of course, the company put it on back order. AAAAArrrrrggggghhh, I am trying to be patient. The article of clothing I ordered was a pair of motorcycling pants that fit over other clothing that include body armor a strategic points.

So, what does this have to do with the rain…..well, with my rustiness, so many years out of the saddle, I am a bit afraid to ride in a thunderstorm without as much protection as possible. I am paranoid. And, I realize that it is paranoia that keeps the cyclist alive.

Unfortunately, not many of the younger cyclists that I see are aware of this fact. They don’t seem to realize that they cycle in a time when the cycling industry produces exciting apparel that even includes body armor. Body armor. Wow. Back 20, or so, years ago the clothing available either made you look like a member of the “hell’s angels” or like some “boy racer” from Europe. the old clothing made you sweat just looking at it. Most of us made do with clothing we could afford. My how times have changed.

Today, proper protection is very affordable, comfortable, and amazingly durable. Had these pieces been available when I was younger, maybe I’d have never quit.

All that said, i can’t understand why more of the younger generation don’t use this stuff. I am passed quite often by some youngster clad only in jeans and a T-shirt. I guess they just don’t like skin. I even saw a video of a young girl wearing only a helmet, sweatshirt, and jeans get blown of the back of a sport bike. How could the young man on the front of the bike allow this to happen? Didn’t he appreciate the way her skin was arranged before they started the ride? What is wrong with these people? I can’t imagine sitting in the hospital trying to calm my wife as she receives skin grafts because, “we were only going around the block”. It is true irresponsibility that allows us to act like this. Too often our desire to be “cool” and tough keep us from making responsible decisions. Wonder what he had to say to her parents? Wonder how he kept from killing himself, as she suffered surgery after surgery to repair the damage he caused? How could he life with himself as she cries in agony night after night?

For all of those reasons, I wait impatiently for equipment that will hopefully keep my skin where it is. And, in due time, I will order the same equipment for my wife. So, I choose not to ride, when I feel unsafe, and I wait impatiently right HERE.

Stupid looks from the Mirror

Sometimes as the years pass we lose parts of ourselves.  We don’t mean to, it just sort of happens as responsibilities (read life) gets in the way.  And, strangely enough, we tend to forget what the lost parts were like.

This past year I guess I have tried to remake myself into the athlete that I never was.

I, like many others,  have gotten tired of the gas prices.  So, I decided that I would ride a bicycle to work.  Spent thousands.  Worked very hard.  I accomplished my goal…at least to some degree.  I was able to ride to work.  I was able to ride regardless of the weather.  I had ridden many years ago back and forth to work and thought this wouldn’t be too different.  I knew it would be difficult…I am a bit older.  But, I forgot one minor complication….I now have asthma full-time.  While, I enjoyed riding…my asthma didn’t.  My wife didn’t.  She was very nervous about my breathing, or lack thereof.  My doctor wasn’t thrilled either.

As the months passed, my breathing became more labored…my stubborness took over.  I was sure I would get better.  I didn’t.  Then my wife reminded me of a part of me that seemed to have been lost.  She insisted that I get a motorcycle…….what a great wife.

If this wasn’t the best present ever……it did reconnect me to a time long ago.  Years ago,  I rode a motorcycle daily to work when we lived in Denver and I was still in the USAF.  I had forgotten how free I felt.  I had forgotten how much it felt, like “me”.  For many other people getting a motorcycle wouldn’t be “normal” it would be “crazy”.  But for me, “normal” had returned.  I had forgotten how it felt to be “in the wind”.  I am amazed at how good the motorcycles are today.  The brakes actually stop them.  Wow.  Even for the cheaper motorcycle like mine, Kawasaki Ninja 250, the  craftsmanship and attention to detail are far beyond anything produced when I was riding before.  I got so happy I was giggling…..how embarrassing.  But, I don’t care….I am back on two wheels.

These two wheels: http://alii1959.files.wordpress.com/2006/12/p1020428.JPG 

My wife had attempted, prior to the bicycle fiasco, to get me back on a motorcycle.  Should have listened.  But, I was stubborn.  Often stubborn=stupid.  And, I can be oh so stupid.  She knows me so much better than I know myself.  Funny how you can live so long and know so little, even about the one that stares back at you from the mirror.  And, while giggly at the moment, from the mirror it often looks stupid here.

Christmas arrives….even here!!

It is amazing how the simplest things take us back to childhood.  If we are careful we are able to see the amazement in the eyes of others.  This past year Disney released “The Little Mermaid” again, this time on DVD.  Along with the release came another round of merchandising.  Because it is my daughter’s favorite Disney film we went crazy….Little Mermaid this, Little Mermaid that….most, not all of it was very inexpensive.  Today my daughter received all of those gifts….not anything fancy…just simple plastic doodads.  And, for many 20-year-olds this would have meant nothing…save the fact that her parents didn’t care enough to buy “real” gifts.  Yet, if only for a few moments, the little girls who squealed with delight so many years ago at Ariel’s escapades returned for a visit.  I was able to see the glee of a 6-year-old again in my living room.  For, if only for a moment, she had returned.  The anxious, hurried, studious, and driven college student was replaced by the sparkling hazel eyes and dimpled hands of the little girl from so long ago…..  It is amazing to see this happen to her.  It is amazing that so many of us have lost the ability to return to our youth, even if only for a moment.  We have lost the joy and amazement that the eyes of a child can see.  We stare at the world through eyes, often, that have grown cold and lifeless through years of drudgery.

And, we believe that is all that the world now offers.  We have lost our true inner child.

Freud spoke of the inner child as though it was an unruly part of ourselves that was difficult to tame,given to fits of selfish abandon.  Maybe our inner child is more.  Maybe it is our ability to let go of our facade and view life through eyes untainted.  Without the worry that someone might see our reactions.  Without the worry of losing face.  Most of the small children I have known do not get too upset about being wrong, failing the first time, or looking too silly.  But, as adults we cannot do so.

As we age we take on the mask of adulthood and begin to play the roles that the mask requires quite often without questioning what has been lost.  The mask blocks our emotions from others and therefore from ourselves.  We lose so much when we can no longer laugh with the child within over silly things.  How do we expect the world to be a better place when even our emotions are hidden?  Are we that scared of one another?

I know I have been frightened many times to think that someone might be able to see through the mask that I wear so well.

Might they be able to see the me on the inside?

Unfortunately the world has taught many of us to shield ourselves, and our emotions, from a world that seeks to make us its victim.

We have learned that life can be cruel and hard.  We have learned that too often life cannot be trusted to take our most heartfelt emotions with the care then deserve.  Who taught us this?

It seems to me that it wasn’t ”life” , but it was those who lead the way.  Those older than ourselves.

Through their actions, choices, and fears they left a legacy of fear, distrust, and often hatred.

The question, then I suppose, is what are we leading our children into?

Are we destined only to see the joy in their eyes as infrequent episodes within lives hidden behind a mask?

It is my hope and desire that you, and yours, share the joy of life together in this season of celebration.

Take off the masks an laugh with abandon.

Christmas Eve….from here!!

Well,

This is my first blog….ever.  Hope I don’t sound too stupid to start.

 I just wanted to acquaint myself with writing on-line.

First, why should you read this???  I have no idea.

Maybe, just maybe you want to see things through my eyes.

Although they are a bit old and are corrected, at this point, maybe you’ll see the world differently.

I am often asked to see the world differently….

As a teacher, I am often presented life through the eyes of youth.

As a science guy, I am presented life through the eyes of an observer.

As a husband, I am often presented life through the eyes of the mother of my child.

As a father, I am often presented life through the eyes of wonder.

 It will be as a teacher, scientist, husband, and father that you will get a glimpse of my life.

 

Your first peek, will be this Christmas Eve.

I find myself looking at a world that seems to be changing, as always.  I cannot count the

number of times I have sat looking at what seemed to be a new world.  The day of my

marriage, the birth of my child, my leaving the military, acheiving my degree, the start

of my teaching career…..all new worlds, for me at least.

But, through all of the changes internal and external that have accompanied nearly a half-

century of life, the world remains populated by people who seem to want what they have

 always wanted.

They have always wanted to matter.  They have always wanted to be important, to be loved.

Even in anger, it is often merely a cry to be noticed and to be taken seriously.  To be

accepted as they are without judgement.  Those who wish to judge only want it to

be understood that they are wise and have the authority to make judgements, yet often do not

wish to be judged themselves just appreciated.  Parents want kids to understand

their struggles.  Kids want parents to realize that times have indeed changed.  Families pulling

apart, not together.  At Christmas time we struggle to let others know how much we care….

Or, at least, how much we can spend.  Unfortunately, spending doesn’t equal concern or love.

Too often we find the young girl excited over the multi-carat engagement ring,

only to find a few years later an embittered woman with a ring to sell.  If the love matched the

cost shouldn’t the stars of Hollywood, the sporting world, and coporate America stay

married.  Our kids know the truth.  While they enjoy the gift, they realize that

the love and acceptance often isn’t there.

How can I show my child I love her on this important day?  I’m not sure.  I will be with her.

I am going to try to listen.  I will try to accept her as she is.  I may not succeed.

How can I show my wife I love her on this important day?  I’m not sure.  I will be with her.

I am going to try to listen.  I will try to accept her as she is.  I may not succeed.

 

I just hope that they can accept me: imperfect, fallable, insensitive, impatient, and often stupid,

and love me as I am.  I will try harder to earn their love as the days pass.