Who, around here, is responsible for this mess???

As a teacher I am constantly asked how I think the children today are? I am bombarded with condolences for my job, due to the perceived difficulties that must be happening with the children. I am often made aware that the children I teach must be the worst ever, according to the adults I run into. Well…..

As I stood today listening to the tale of one of the youngsters it occurred to me that the adults in this child’s life must not understand at all. While many of our parents today are doing a wonderful job and their children are well-adjusted and responsible, far too many are not. I often am the recipient of the poor behavior that began because “my mom and I had a fight this morning….sorry” when that behavior is bad enough for me to have to get administration involved. I cannot imagine sending my child off into the day knowing that the last thing I said to her would stir her anger all day. Sure, we’ve had our days, nights, and weekends, where we didn’t agree or get along too well. But, she always knew that she was still my “one and only”.

The lack of respect displayed between the children and their parents is amazing. They call their children horrible names and then can’t understand why the child stays mad. They expect the child to overlook what they said, or did, out of anger yet they keep telling the child not “to speak to me in that tone.” Shouldn’t we as adults model the behavior we want to see in the child? Shouldn’t we be the ones to calm down first, after all we have seen many moments of frustration and know that they will pass?

I cannot imagine responding to my child as other parents do. I saw a woman screaming at the top of her lungs at a child in a store. She was demanding that he stop whining and put down the toy he had asked for. I was standing immobilized by the display. As the tantrum of the child, and that of its mother, grew in intensity, I was sure I knew where he learned the behavior. Do we ever stop to think about the way our children see us?

I remember thinking that some of the questions children are asked make little sense, yet we expect them explain themselves fully. I actually heard a father ask his son if he wanted him (the father) to hit him (the son). I thought “why would he want that?” What a stupid question!!! And this father will be amazed when the child hits his little brother…wondering where in the world he learned that.

Do we understand how bad the words that we say hurt the people we love? I have been in the presence of so many crying children, I know that few of the parents I see realize it. Most of them say what ever comes to mind….or at least to mouth. They never even guess that their child may be suicidal. They never understand why the child sneaks out at night. Yeah, like why would the child want to be away from such a monster? Then, often, the monster attempts to explain that “I was just mad…sorry.” Sure, I guess the child merely erases that from its memory.

This is not written to impune all parents. I just feel so sorry for both parties. There is only one greater relationship on Earth than parent to child….that being the one between the parents….and yet people tear both relationships apart over and over. What do they get for all of their trouble? Better wives, husbands, and children….it seems they only get greater anger and frustration from all corners. Do we really want our children to approach us in fear? I have seen large teenage boys tremble at the approach of their mother….terrified of her force of personality and authority. I have actually heard fathers state that they wanted their sons to “respect” them…..that isn’t respect…..thats fear. They are not the same. We wonder why our children have become so violent. Yet they aren’t the ones shooting at others who cut them off on the highway. What do we desire of them? What could possibly be more important than securing the love of our children? Oh yeah, we have to be right!! Is being right worth the tension in our families? Is being right and forcing a child to do our bidding, worth the wrath that child simmers until the explosion occurs?

At some point both parties must remember that it is the family that does the burying. It is the family that is to supply the scaffolding that is the main support for the child’s future. Without that support we all run a great risk of collapse. I have actually seen a parent viscously scolding a child, becoming a screaming spectacle, over insignificant things (like candy at the store, uncleaned rooms, unmade beds, etc). What will these parents do if the child wrecks the car later in life? I’m sure the child wonders the same thing.

Too often in parent teacher meetings we, teachers, exchange quick knowing glances as the parent explains why things have gone wrong. Too often the behaviors that we see in the kids are there, older, grayer, and usually angrier.

After all of these years teaching, I’m not sure that children have changed all that much, but I am sure parenting seems to have changed. The levels of frustrations in families of all socioeconomic levels seems to be rising. How many tears must we all shed? How many angry words can pass between us? How much pain can the hearts of all stand? Must we find out??? Must we be sure to be the major heartache in our child’s life? While it is never a one-sided affair, it cannot be overlooked that it is the parent who holds the position of authority and thus, the position of the greatest responsibility.

A Senselessly Deadly New Year…Hear

Today we learn that it was a deadly New Year’s Eve in Denver. Broncos player killed in drive-by shooting was the headline at CNN. Another drive-by. Wow, what brave souls they were. Sneak up along side, firing at unsuspecting people. That is nearly as brave as “jumping” someone with 5 or 6 of your “tough” friends. The cowardice of the bad guys here in the U.S.,never ceases to amaze me. My students constantly tell me that I don’t understand how things are these days. I have traditionally attempted to tell them that things haven’t changed that much….maybe I was wrong. I truly don’t understand people who murder indiscriminately. How does that make them feel powerful? It is very easy to kill. Many people kill themselves accidentally, so how hard could it be?? To kill is such an easy thing to do. Learning to live with those we dislike is very difficult. The man who punches the annoying drunk in the bar is not nearly so tough as the guy who goes to work each day with someone he hates. The worker understands that those who depend upon him benefit from his self-restraint. He is not a selfish child who cannot thing of anything better to do than lash out. How much frustration do our people carry around that allows them to lash out in such a fashion? I have students who spend their days an nights either fighting, discussing fighting, or being concerned about who is “looking” for them. What kind of values are we giving these kids? Many of their fathers are absent or telling them “not to take stuff” from others. When did we become so thin skinned?? I have many friends whose parents grew up in the U.S. prior to the 1960s, and they were black. It was a difficult time for them. In order to survive they had to learn to overlook the slights of others. They had to keep their eyes on what was important…their families. How much of a father is a dead man? How much of a father is a prisoner? How much of a father is someone whose only response seems to be violence? I understand the 3-year-old who cannot come up with any other response to frustration, but haven’t we learned anything?

Maybe my children are right, I truly don’t understand. I don’t know that I want to. I don’t want to know why people hate some one “from the other ‘hood” simply because his family choose a different street. I don’t know how they can’t see that if mommy moves…their hood changes. I don’t understand how they can’t see that the person who kills someone else gives up control over their lives to the dead guy. The dead guy, much like an ex-spouse, never leaves their minds. And, chances are, the dead guy was someone they wouldn’t have crossed the street to spit on. Why must we make sure that everyone understands we are mad or frustrated? I think most everyone is, to some degree. Why do we think our frustration is so important that we must lash out? Do we think that we are so important that the world must notice? Could it be that we were allowed to throw too many tantrums when we were young? Could it be that we were abused when we were young? Could it be that we cannot see that we are following the path of the fools that raise us? If we thought it was wrong for mom or dad to hit us, why is it OK for us to hit others? If we thought it was wrong for mom and dad to hit one another, why is no OK for us to lash out? Can we not learn from the mistakes of others, or are we so stupid we must learn the same hard lessons on our own? If so, what happened to imagination? What happened to trying to be better than the generation before us? Why not try to make our families proud of us, in the U.S., right Here.